We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
