proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize