carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
