1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
