Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
