ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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