My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
