You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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