So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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