That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
