I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize