Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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