Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
