Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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