she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
