i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
