I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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