This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize