video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
