im about as happy as oj after his trial
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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