Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
