woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
