She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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