I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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