I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
