let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
