Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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