Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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