The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
