When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize