it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
