I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
We talked him into tasing himself.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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