Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize