barbara walters just said penis...
it hurts more in the daytime
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
