I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
