I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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