I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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