I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I deserve this hangover.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
