"it" just moved
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
