Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
