i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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