my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
