This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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