This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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