i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
