Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
