I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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