sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
