Your dad touched me again.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
