Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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