Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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