his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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