So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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