I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
