My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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