You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
