I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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