I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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