Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize