last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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