how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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