this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
