I cut my penus on the lid.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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