Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
there is glitter all over my balls
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
